b00kiemonster's adventures in southerland.

These days have been fading into each other lately. I’ve asked what day it was multiple times in the past few thought cycles and each time I’m disappointed to hear that my time is growing shorter here. It almost amazes me how happy I’ve been simply because I’ve stopped putting my self on a schedule. I’m enjoying those who make my happy, saying what I really feel (however risky these statements might be) and appreciating everything around me. I over analyze, I know, but I take comfort in the things I fear will become nostalgia shortly.

“There I am standing all alone on Sydney Harbor Bridge and you know I would jump into the fucking ocean if it meant I was truly capable of being satisfied… “

I’m not afraid to go out on a limb for the things I think might get me closer to my ultimate happiness, but I’m also pretty sure I’m already there. Life’s got some curveballs to throw at me, I’m sure, but some shots in the dark are worth taking sometimes. I know my aspirations, I know where I want to end up and I know the people I want to end up with. I’m willing to work my ass off and stop at nothing to get there, but I also know that there’s only one thing I need to make me happy and that one thing is not too hard to come by.

I think it’s funny when I look back at old diary entries or things I’ve saved that I’ve written on scraps of paper and as much as some things have changed, others really haven’t. I’ve always wanted the same things. Whereas, in my younger days, I wanted to date a chubby, facial haired musician (check) , drive a black honda (close, but I guess check) and step out of my comfort zone (checkcheckcheck) my new goals probably involve getting my LPC, writing a novel, and doing something good for the world. I’ve grown up and I’m proud of that. These are the days I couldn’t even imagine as a child…the “grownup years” and I’m kind of glad I never did.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life” and other kitschy graduation sayings are for the lazy. Although sayings like these supposedly mean something grander, more often than not they become as instinctual and thoughtless as “Hello” and “How are you?”. Four years ago, as I crossed the makeshift stage at my high school graduation, I felt much different than I do now, sitting at my laptop instead of attending my college graduation. Times are different, reality is harsh and I don’t need a ceremony to offer feigned optimism. Let’s be real, here: the economy sucks, the job market is terrible and our educations and our money are more than likely going to waste as we sit in our childhood bedrooms trying to mold ourselves into adults. More and more, the American dream seems to be moving farther and farther away.

Within the pessimism is, perhaps, a bit of hope. Recessions do not last forever, job markets turn themselves around and more often than not, things will be okay. I did not choose to stay home from my graduation because I am a cynic, nor do I feel that Ramapo College and all of its graduates are unworthy of my time. To be quite honest, I never really liked those sorts of events (never have, never will) and unlike my high school ceremony, this one had options. Look at that, I’m already exercising autonomy. Watch out, world! The fact is, the last four years of my life have been some of the most amazing, tumultuous, terrible, wonderful, and heart-wrenching years of my life. But that is exactly why I did not feel the need to go to graduation: all of the moments in our past may shape us, but they do not make us and quite frankly, good or bad there is nothing I can do to bring those moments back. Nostalgia, for me, always ends up in the same place, the goodwill bin. Those who mean enough to me will still be present in my life, regardless of whether or not we sang and hugged at graduation.

Despite all these feelings, I find it important, at this crux of my life to say some things that need to be said. In fourteen days, all that I have ever known will be thrown out the window and I will be thrust into the adult world without my security blanket. Amidst the warnings and sadness and mixed emotions I am getting from others, I firmly believe that the only way to truly open your eyes to see who you really are is to put yourself in a place that tests that. For me, this means fifteen months in North Carolina, living on my own and affording my own lifestyle. For you, that could mean going to Europe or even on a day trip to a place you’ve never been. Now is the time folks; in ten years or so we’ll have every excuse holding us back. Am I upset that the support I crave isn’t as strong as I would like about this? Absolutely. It’s hard to see people who you know care so much about you be so unable to let you go. But at the same time, the amount of care and uncertainty they have shown makes me know that they love me as much as they do.

I can’t say I blame them. My feelings are also mixed, however, I also know that this type of thing is not exactly permanent, which, if you know me is exactly the type of situation I require. I am eager to see how I do out of my comfort zone, I am eager to show myself and others that I took risks and succeeded. I think Forrest knew a think or two about life. It really is like a box of chocolates: when you get one you don’t like, you spit it out and try again. Luckily, if this experience doesn’t work out for me, I’ve still got nearly a full box.